treefrog: Words in the heart cannot be taken (Words)
[personal profile] treefrog
It's raining outside. Also thundering, lightning-in and hailing. Now, I love thunderstorms, but I was planning to go out and DO stuff, which would be somewhat impeded by being hailed upon.

So, my brain being what it is nowadays, I feel trapped. The same restlessness that's driving me to write again is making me feel like the rain is a cage. I can't stop thinking that I'm going to be moving to a place where it pretty much does nothing but rain. At any rate, that's what it's done the past two times I've visited there.

And I can't stop thinking that last time I moved far away, to a warm green place, things went so far wrong that it still hurts to think too hard about it. It doesn't help to remember that I loved California, that I made some of the best friends there that I will ever have, that love and life and magic were bound up with the misery and hurt. All I can think, like a rodent trapped in a grey rainy cage, is that it's going to happen again.

And when I think that, my hands go numb and shake, and my head spins and my stomach knots up and I can't breathe. It's not that I think I can't go through another California. I know that I can. I know that I can because I know that I'll fight and I'll burn myself out and I'll come out the other end still kicking, but it won't be over because these things always, always come back.

And this is why I have to blog. Because having written that, I feel about a hundred pounds lighter. Still terrified, but able to converse civilly with my husband and stepkid.

This will be okay. I mean, yes, if I move to BC I might get hit with a massive depression/anxiety episode... but if I stay in Edmonton, it's a sure thing.
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treefrog: treefrog silhouetted through a leaf (Default)

September 2012


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