treefrog: Words in the heart cannot be taken (Words)
[personal profile] treefrog
So much is conspiring to make me feel like I'm in another time and another place. It's like somehow I'm afraid of moving on, so instead of taking new stuff for what it is, my brain matches it up with things from my past and says "Hey, this is just like that time when you..."

Except that it isn't. I'm in my early 30's now, not my early 20's. I've certainly got a lot of bullshit ahead of me to deal with, but the stuff from the past? That's... I've done it before. I can do it again. I don't know what's got me so worried. Especially since there are some things that are never going to happen again, so even though I could in theory handle them, I don't have to.

For instance, I will never have a jackass boyfriend again. I'm married to a man who respects me, cares about my wants and needs, and hears "no" when I say "no". I will never again have to negotiate a relationship where "no" means "I'll just pester, belittle and harass her until she gives in just for a bit of peace and quiet". That's in the past, and I'm never going to see that guy again. Before a few days ago, I literally hadn't thought of him in months. Now, for some stupid reason, my brain wants to go over the whole humiliating debacle and try to make me ready for it to happen again.

And then, of course, there's the move. I'm not going to be walking into another minefield! ...okay, well, I sort of am, but all moves are like that and in this case I know where most of the mines are already. And again, I can handle it. It's just that... things keep happening that remind me of the bad times. This is mostly a result of going through my stuff and seeing physical reminders of things I would like to forget (and throwing most of them into the trash, or at least the Goodwill pile).

Furthermore, I resent the implication on my brain's part that everything in my life has been bad. It hasn't. It's been an overwhelming majority of good. I'm not the sort of person who dwells on the bad stuff, and I'm not about to become such a person. I'm just so incredibly weary of feeling off-balance and unprepared. It's going to be just fine. Really, it is.
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treefrog

September 2012

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