Oct. 6th, 2011

treefrog: an antique pistol (Gun)
I'm about a week into the promised medication switch. I'm being taken off of effexor and am almost ready to quit it entirely. In the meantime I'm working up to a full dose of celexa, which I've used before with good results.

I also, about a month ago, went back on hormonal birth control because I don't menstruate without something to force my cycle, and when I don't have a regular cycle, the depression/anxiety monsters come out of their cages and have a field day. Around the same time as I changed medication, I got my period for the first time in a few months. It never ceases to amaze me how much instantly better I feel when the actual bleeding starts. That said, it's not entirely normal. This doesn't surprise me, as it often does this when I've skipped for a long time. I won't go into detail. Suffice it to say that even though I'm used to this happening from time to time, it's just as nasty every single time.

As to the medication switch... as predicted, I feel lost, confused and insecure. My brain, as I knew it would be, has been removed, shaken vigorously, and put back in without a map as to where everything ended up. I've been feeling ridiculously apologetic, to the point where my husband has forbidden me to apologize for anything anymore (though this is a bit of an inside joke, as I frequently tell him the same thing). If anyone feels like I've been avoiding you... well, I've been avoiding all social contact. Being around people is alarming and stressful when I'm a stranger to myself.

But you know what? I feel better. I don't feel like my mind is collapsing on me anymore. I don't feel like a crash is inevitable. I'm having to work hard to keep myself on an even keel, but at least this hard work isn't doomed to failure. Writing helps; I may feel like a different person but I still sound like the same person.

Hell, yesterday I was actually feeling happy and chatty, so I'm already miles gone in the right direction.


While I've got you all here... I need you to know I'm grateful for your friendship. Even when I'm being dodgy and unsociable, you mean the world to me. I couldn't win this fight without knowing that you're there and that you're on my side. It matters hugely, so thank you, thank you, thank you.

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treefrog

September 2012

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