Jun. 28th, 2011 03:11 pm
treefrog: an old-fashined radiator (Radiator)
The Vancouver trip went very, very well. Everyone was on their best behavior (except my father-in-law, but I don't think he has a best behavior) so I didn't have to yell at anybody.

Cut for Length )
treefrog: an antique pistol (Gun)
Dave and I are leaving tomorrow for a trip to Vancouver to visit his family. I'm looking forward to it, for the most part. It'll be nice to get away from here for a while and we're planning to do some fun stuff like visiting the Stanley Park Aquarium.

I'm less psyched about the whole Visiting-Dave's-Family part.

Fretting about it behind the cut. Writing this stuff out makes it easier to deal with. )

So wish me luck and hope I don't need it.
treefrog: an old-fashined radiator (Radiator)
I am tired. I've got finals chewing on my brain and my mother being ridiculous and my husband's father being evil and my little brother sending letters home that have nothing in them of him and everything in them of Mormon brainwashing and my husband needing all my support but not understanding that I need his too.

Everyone wants to talk to me, but anytime I try to talk back, I get shut down. I tried to tell my parents that December is going to be way better than last year but still tight and I wished it wasn't like that, and Mom said that I'm a newlywed and I'm not supposed to have money. She then refused to understand why it hurts to take Grandma's inheritance. She flat-out says that I didn't know Grandma and that I don't feel anything for her, really. Not "can't", not "shouldn't", just "you don't have any feelings for her".

I tried to tell Dave that I'm tired and that I can't always be tough about it and some days I'm going to cry, and he told me maybe I should go back to my parents for a while. He didn't mean "you're a baby who can't handle your own life and needs to go back to mommy and daddy" but it sure came across that way. But it's okay for him to talk endlessly about the things that are bothering him and expect my full attention. He needs support. His family are being shitheads again and he hates his job... but it's okay for him to rant and fume and stomp about going to a job he hates, but it's not okay for me to rant and stomp and fume about school because "don't worry, it will make life better in the long run". I'm fucking sick of that line. The mysterious "Long Run" is still years away and right now, I am poor, stressed and tired.

Now, it's not that I can't handle it. I've handled much worse than this. It's just that I'm expected to be everyone else's strength, too. I'm supposed to be the supportive one for Dave's kid because his mother is useless. I'm supposed to be okay with dealing with other people dumping their rage and tears and problems on me because "she's so strong, she's so smart, she's so powerful, she can handle it". What people don't seem to understand is that I need a moment off from handling other people's problems so that I can handle my problems. Right now I'm not strong enough to handle their problems because mine aren't getting dealt with.

I mean, fuck, my husband joined me in the shower last night, which is normally a very good thing, but while he was washing my hair he started talking about our financial situation again. Not even the shower is a place to relax anymore. I've gotten to the point where I've been telling people directly "Please let me rest for a while. Please let's not talk about this right now. I'm too tired to handle this right now." I've even gone so far as to tell Dave "I know you're speaking English but when I"m this tired all I hear is noise". He knows I get like that... but this time he just kept talking. He's hurting right now and doesn't want to be alone. I'm hurting and I'm desperate to be alone... but he keeps skipping shifts at work, which scares the hell out of me for money-related reasons, and deprives me of my alone-time. It's not that I don't love people, but I need, need, need my alone time, and it's been weeks.

Really, it's not that I don't care. I do care, and I would like to be there for the people who need me to be there, but right now I'm just not strong enough. It's finals week, a fact that I have repeated until I'm blue in the face and nobody will cut me any fucking slack. And then they tell me that my studies are the most important thing in my life. And then they replace the most important thing in my life with whatever is bothering them right now.

And if I had someone to dump on the way they're dumping on me, I might be okay, but no, it's "You're supposed to be poor, you'll make money someday so you should like having to struggle right now, you're ever so smart and talented but you have no feelings, especially not for your Grandmother who just died, you're needed, you're doing a good thing for other people, we need you so much, we need your strength and because we need you, we can't stand the idea that you might not be strong, so don't fucking talk about it, just shut your mouth and be what we need, and no, you can't take a nap right now, you said you'd cook dinner tonight".

Well, I've got nothing left. My favorite singer said it better than I can just now: "... I need somebody to take the wheel, navigate for a while, tell me how brave I've been and try to make me smile, oh and I need something for the shakes, I need to fix the brakes, I need a road to take me home that's straight and true, I need to lay my burdens down in an understanding town but most of all I need someone to talk to..."

I'm done. I'm just done. It's come down to a judgment call: exams or Everything Else. Well, sorry, but exams win. You want your precious "Long Run", you're going to have to fuck the hell off in the short run.
treefrog: the chinese character for love (Love)
I don't normally do these things but it seems like a not-half-bad way to get the proverbial ball rolling. Since I've already written my profile AND an introductory entry today, I'm skipping to question 2: Your First Love.

I know this isn't what the question means, but my first and purest love was language. I had first-grade language skills when I was two years old. I talked everyone's ear off. I've mostly moved my chatter to the internet, but nothing has really changed.

The first guy I fell in love with... oh wow. I haven't thought of Graham in so very long. I was fifteen years old and he was seventeen. He was six foot four and wore metal band t-shirts and read all the same books I did. He was a gentle soul, and he loved me. He was the first guy who ever got my blood racing and my heart hammering. We used to make out on the floor of his bedroom, rolling around on the rich green carpet. If I have any regrets about Graham, it's that I didn't sleep with him. I couldn't. I was a good (read: frightened) little Mormon girl. We broke it off because he got into drugs and drinking, which was a place I couldn't follow him to. I didn't hear from him for a year, but we became close friends later on. Last I heard, he was wanted by the police. I still miss him, when something reminds me of him, and I hope to God he's all right.

I suppose I ought to mention the first guy I did sleep with. I was 22 and so sick of being good and following all the rules. I knew he was trouble. But he was handsome and he made me laugh and he knew what he was doing when he touched me. The first few months were wonderful. He was gentle and attentive and wonderfully naughty. After that... not so much. He did things I didn't like, and if I said no, he resorted to emotional blackmail and, occasionally, just holding me down and doing it anyway. He was "poly" in his own words and "a cheating jackass" in most other peoples' words. He wanted to sleep with other women, but he didn't tell me this 'till I caught him doing so. And then I was "being restrictive". He hurt me more than I thought I could bear. Breaking up with him was one of the best favors I ever did for myself. When I came back from California, I saw him occasionally and we became friends. Very occasionally, this friendship had "benefits". On those occasions he treated me like he did when we were first together. I didn't want him back, but... I was bored, I guess? No idea what's become of him lately. I don't miss him, but I wish him well.

The Meme: )


treefrog: treefrog silhouetted through a leaf (Default)

September 2012



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