treefrog: an antique pistol (Gun)
So, I found myself involved in an altercation on my school program's facebook community the other day. I politely disagreed with someone, and found myself the target of rudeness, insults and some very strange accusations.

I was accused of leading at least one online community dedicated to discussing one of my instructors' personal lives. Apparently she has the screenshots to prove it. Needless to say, I'm doing nothing of the sort. I have no strong opinions about this particular teacher and I'm not interested enough in him to say much of anything, let alone run a community about him.

I was also accused of stalking the student doing the accusing. Again... no. I don't stalk people I don't like, I avoid them. But apparently I've been sending her all kinds of unsolicited emails.

Finally, and the only one that really hurt me, she claimed that everyone in the program is terrified of me, and that she's the only one with the guts to stand up to me.

She has also threatened to bring her "evidence" against me to the Dean and/or the President of the university. I don't believe she'll do it, so I called her out on it.

All throughout this conversation--and I admit my involvement went on about two posts longer than it should have, since I should have realized you can't argue with batshit insane and found a better use for my time--other members of the program were chiming in yelling at us and telling us to stop it. Some of them were quite rude.

Thing was, today, I was approached by no less than eight people, most of whom had yelled at me online, telling me they were glad someone had stood up to this woman, and that they were on MY side, really, but they were too afraid of her to stand up for me. But they swore, up and down, that now, they've got my back.

I didn't point out how useless it is to say you've got someone's back when you're too afraid of what they're facing to help them out with it. The only involvement they'll have with my back is to hide behind it if this woman attacks them. And I get that. The woman in question is charismatic, attractive, aggressive and utterly batshit insane. She is quite a bit older than most of them, having a daughter in the same program. And of the people who've talked to me, several of them have been insulted and/or threatened by this woman.

It was sweet of them to band together and assure me that really, they're on my side and will stand up for me, even though I don't believe they will (and I can't really blame them). But even sweeter, and with real meaning this time, was what they said in response to me being a gossip and a bully, feared by the whole program. "Come on, Erin", they said, "We know you better than that".

That meant something to me. I don't really fit in at school, being something around a decade older than most of my fellow students. I mostly hang out by myself. But I like my classmates, and I'm glad that they can see ugly things written about me and dismiss them without a second thought, because "they know me better than that".

I smiled all the way home.

Now, however, I'm aware of two other people who've been bullied by this woman. One of them was directly threatened... and I have evidence of that threat in my inbox. I wasn't going to do anything about this whole thing, because I figured she's just a bully and was just blowing smoke... but now I think I'm going to report the incident, just to find out what I should do if she does follow through with her threats to report my fictitious "behavior" to some sort of authority. I need to be sure that nothing is going to end up on my academic record... but more than that, the school needs to know how this woman is acting. The people who spoke to me today are frightened of her, and not ashamed to admit it.

I hate the feeling of holding a can of worms and knowing I'm going to have to reach for that can opener...
treefrog: an old-fashined radiator (Radiator)
I am tired. I've got finals chewing on my brain and my mother being ridiculous and my husband's father being evil and my little brother sending letters home that have nothing in them of him and everything in them of Mormon brainwashing and my husband needing all my support but not understanding that I need his too.

Everyone wants to talk to me, but anytime I try to talk back, I get shut down. I tried to tell my parents that December is going to be way better than last year but still tight and I wished it wasn't like that, and Mom said that I'm a newlywed and I'm not supposed to have money. She then refused to understand why it hurts to take Grandma's inheritance. She flat-out says that I didn't know Grandma and that I don't feel anything for her, really. Not "can't", not "shouldn't", just "you don't have any feelings for her".

I tried to tell Dave that I'm tired and that I can't always be tough about it and some days I'm going to cry, and he told me maybe I should go back to my parents for a while. He didn't mean "you're a baby who can't handle your own life and needs to go back to mommy and daddy" but it sure came across that way. But it's okay for him to talk endlessly about the things that are bothering him and expect my full attention. He needs support. His family are being shitheads again and he hates his job... but it's okay for him to rant and fume and stomp about going to a job he hates, but it's not okay for me to rant and stomp and fume about school because "don't worry, it will make life better in the long run". I'm fucking sick of that line. The mysterious "Long Run" is still years away and right now, I am poor, stressed and tired.

Now, it's not that I can't handle it. I've handled much worse than this. It's just that I'm expected to be everyone else's strength, too. I'm supposed to be the supportive one for Dave's kid because his mother is useless. I'm supposed to be okay with dealing with other people dumping their rage and tears and problems on me because "she's so strong, she's so smart, she's so powerful, she can handle it". What people don't seem to understand is that I need a moment off from handling other people's problems so that I can handle my problems. Right now I'm not strong enough to handle their problems because mine aren't getting dealt with.

I mean, fuck, my husband joined me in the shower last night, which is normally a very good thing, but while he was washing my hair he started talking about our financial situation again. Not even the shower is a place to relax anymore. I've gotten to the point where I've been telling people directly "Please let me rest for a while. Please let's not talk about this right now. I'm too tired to handle this right now." I've even gone so far as to tell Dave "I know you're speaking English but when I"m this tired all I hear is noise". He knows I get like that... but this time he just kept talking. He's hurting right now and doesn't want to be alone. I'm hurting and I'm desperate to be alone... but he keeps skipping shifts at work, which scares the hell out of me for money-related reasons, and deprives me of my alone-time. It's not that I don't love people, but I need, need, need my alone time, and it's been weeks.

Really, it's not that I don't care. I do care, and I would like to be there for the people who need me to be there, but right now I'm just not strong enough. It's finals week, a fact that I have repeated until I'm blue in the face and nobody will cut me any fucking slack. And then they tell me that my studies are the most important thing in my life. And then they replace the most important thing in my life with whatever is bothering them right now.

And if I had someone to dump on the way they're dumping on me, I might be okay, but no, it's "You're supposed to be poor, you'll make money someday so you should like having to struggle right now, you're ever so smart and talented but you have no feelings, especially not for your Grandmother who just died, you're needed, you're doing a good thing for other people, we need you so much, we need your strength and because we need you, we can't stand the idea that you might not be strong, so don't fucking talk about it, just shut your mouth and be what we need, and no, you can't take a nap right now, you said you'd cook dinner tonight".

Well, I've got nothing left. My favorite singer said it better than I can just now: "... I need somebody to take the wheel, navigate for a while, tell me how brave I've been and try to make me smile, oh and I need something for the shakes, I need to fix the brakes, I need a road to take me home that's straight and true, I need to lay my burdens down in an understanding town but most of all I need someone to talk to..."

I'm done. I'm just done. It's come down to a judgment call: exams or Everything Else. Well, sorry, but exams win. You want your precious "Long Run", you're going to have to fuck the hell off in the short run.
treefrog: an old-fashined radiator (Radiator)
What I ate today? Not a whole hell of a lot. I've spent the past week being harassed by a rowdy gang of flu germs that took up residence in my body. My immune system is only just now beginning to shout them down. Despite this, I only missed two classes and got all my assignments handed in. RAWR.

Anyway, what I ate today. Hmm. I ate half a bowl of split pea soup from the school cafeteria before concluding that it wasn't actually split pea soup, but some sort of hate crime perpetrated by someone who doesn't like split pea soup. Damn shame. I love split pea soup. I ate a dinner roll with butter, because it came free with the soup, and was much, much tastier than the soup. I also ate two peak freans jelly-centre sandwich cookies. They were in a side pocket of my backpack (in plastic wrap) so they were a bit crunched, but I love those things.

Aside from the split pea dreadful, this was all a very nice change from eating nothing, or drinking broth, which is what I've been doing for the past week straight.

The Meme )
treefrog: an antique pistol (Gun)
EXAM WEEK IS OVER thank god I'm so tired...

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September 2012

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