Why my head is a mess these days:
May. 23rd, 2011 12:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
treefrogFor the first time in a few years, I'm not on hormonal birth control. No, I'm not trying to get pregnant, and am in the market for a form of non-hormonal birth control that I'm comfy with. The reason for this rather scary change: hormonal birth control kills my sex drive.
It sounds petty, but there it is. My "placebo" weeks were great... but the rest of the time, as far as sex went, I could take it or leave it. I still enjoyed it, but didn't think about it at all and rarely thought to ask for it. Songs and images that were meant to appeal to the sexual side left me somewhat perplexed. I remembered I used to feel things like that. I was pretty sure I'd outgrown it. I was kind of annoyed by that, because it felt like the whole world had left me behind.
But, due to some forgetfulness on my part, I spent a little extra time off the pill and felt great. My skin is more sensitive. I actively seek out my husband for, uh, quality time. I think about sex and enjoy thinking about it. I feel excitement and curiosity that I haven't felt in years. I love it, and I love feeling this when I don't have religious taboos turning it into a guilt-fest. Hell, just being able to go to a movie and drool at the fanservice is a huge treat.
But it does give me a lot to think about.
Not long after we got together, Dave told me that I'm free to do whatever I want, with whomever I want, so long as I tell him about it. When we got serious, he didn't change his stance on this except to say that he didn't want me to let another relationship overshadow our relationship. I've never given this any thought before. I'm not what you'd call promiscuous. I've had a few one-night stands and they weren't anything special when friendship wasn't involved. Also, I don't want to take up Dave's offer unless I feel able to extend the same offer to him, and right now I'm not ready for that. Besides which, there isn't anyone to take up his offer with right now. Not within easy reach, anyway.
But the fact that I could, given the opportunity... it's driving me quite nuts at the moment because in an itchy sort of way, I want to, even though I'm not sure whether I really want to or if it's just the newfound hormones talking.
There have been a few crushes, somewhat to Dave's amusement. They were safely inaccessible, and contained more amusement than actual desire. One of them, Dave actually thinks I should sleep with, just for the hell of it. I don't agree. One of them was a teacher, who was married, and I wouldn't mess about with a teacher anyways (although he holds the distinction of being the only person I know in real life who has appeared in an erotic dream. Embarrassing). One of them was female, which was somewhat confusing but not actually worrisome. Which surprised me.
Crushes viewed through a hormonally-activated lens would me much, much scarier, I think. I don't feel ready to deal with that.
Simply put, I'm not thinking straight right now. I'm worrying and wondering and trying to figure things out, which is hard when I'm about ready to crawl out of my skin with wanting unspecified but undoubtedly naughty things. I'm also adjusting to the shift of chemicals in my system. So I'm not going to take Dave up on his offer just now. Not until I feel a little more certain of my ability to make good choices. After all, my marriage is more important to me than games and amusements and crushes. My marriage is... well, it's half of my life, and somehow, when I think of Dave being hurt by something I did, the libido shuts right up for a while.
So for now, I'll just sit back and enjoy the fact that while my brain may be a bit of a wreck, the rest of me feels quite nice.
It sounds petty, but there it is. My "placebo" weeks were great... but the rest of the time, as far as sex went, I could take it or leave it. I still enjoyed it, but didn't think about it at all and rarely thought to ask for it. Songs and images that were meant to appeal to the sexual side left me somewhat perplexed. I remembered I used to feel things like that. I was pretty sure I'd outgrown it. I was kind of annoyed by that, because it felt like the whole world had left me behind.
But, due to some forgetfulness on my part, I spent a little extra time off the pill and felt great. My skin is more sensitive. I actively seek out my husband for, uh, quality time. I think about sex and enjoy thinking about it. I feel excitement and curiosity that I haven't felt in years. I love it, and I love feeling this when I don't have religious taboos turning it into a guilt-fest. Hell, just being able to go to a movie and drool at the fanservice is a huge treat.
But it does give me a lot to think about.
Not long after we got together, Dave told me that I'm free to do whatever I want, with whomever I want, so long as I tell him about it. When we got serious, he didn't change his stance on this except to say that he didn't want me to let another relationship overshadow our relationship. I've never given this any thought before. I'm not what you'd call promiscuous. I've had a few one-night stands and they weren't anything special when friendship wasn't involved. Also, I don't want to take up Dave's offer unless I feel able to extend the same offer to him, and right now I'm not ready for that. Besides which, there isn't anyone to take up his offer with right now. Not within easy reach, anyway.
But the fact that I could, given the opportunity... it's driving me quite nuts at the moment because in an itchy sort of way, I want to, even though I'm not sure whether I really want to or if it's just the newfound hormones talking.
There have been a few crushes, somewhat to Dave's amusement. They were safely inaccessible, and contained more amusement than actual desire. One of them, Dave actually thinks I should sleep with, just for the hell of it. I don't agree. One of them was a teacher, who was married, and I wouldn't mess about with a teacher anyways (although he holds the distinction of being the only person I know in real life who has appeared in an erotic dream. Embarrassing). One of them was female, which was somewhat confusing but not actually worrisome. Which surprised me.
Crushes viewed through a hormonally-activated lens would me much, much scarier, I think. I don't feel ready to deal with that.
Simply put, I'm not thinking straight right now. I'm worrying and wondering and trying to figure things out, which is hard when I'm about ready to crawl out of my skin with wanting unspecified but undoubtedly naughty things. I'm also adjusting to the shift of chemicals in my system. So I'm not going to take Dave up on his offer just now. Not until I feel a little more certain of my ability to make good choices. After all, my marriage is more important to me than games and amusements and crushes. My marriage is... well, it's half of my life, and somehow, when I think of Dave being hurt by something I did, the libido shuts right up for a while.
So for now, I'll just sit back and enjoy the fact that while my brain may be a bit of a wreck, the rest of me feels quite nice.
