Ennui. Or something.
Jun. 4th, 2011 09:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
treefrogY'know that feeling when you want to write something, or talk to somebody, or connect somehow but you can't think of a single thing to say?
All I can think of right now is that I'd like to dress up. Hair, makeup, pretty dress, the whole works. It's been so long since I've wowed anybody. I wore a nice shirt and did my hair to go see a movie a while back and it felt like a night on the town. I've been catching up on series I want to watch (recently got sidetracked by one my husband wanted to watch and found it stupidly addictive) and watching nice-looking people doing interesting, if entirely fictional, things. I am capable of being a nice-looking person and although I can't do anything fictional like fly or look sexy while shooting people or discover that I am some sort of goddess, I CAN do interesting things. I just haven't been.
I listen to music and so many songs remind me of so many things... but I haven't found a new artist or band to follow in what feels like years. And everything that songs remind me of are things that happened ages ago. I'm still treasuring days (and nights) from years ago, still using them as my compass and wishing they could happen again.
I used to fence, but an injury took me out of that and my husband's divorce fallout kept me out. I used to be precocious but who ever heard of a precocious 30-year-old? I used to break rules, keep secrets, do things I shouldn't have done but relished, really relished. Now I... don't do anything. It almost feels like there's no point, since we're moving away in a year and why put down new roots in this place?
But I need to find some way of feeling like I'm still alive, because right now I'm just sleepwalking through life, and I hate it.
All I can think of right now is that I'd like to dress up. Hair, makeup, pretty dress, the whole works. It's been so long since I've wowed anybody. I wore a nice shirt and did my hair to go see a movie a while back and it felt like a night on the town. I've been catching up on series I want to watch (recently got sidetracked by one my husband wanted to watch and found it stupidly addictive) and watching nice-looking people doing interesting, if entirely fictional, things. I am capable of being a nice-looking person and although I can't do anything fictional like fly or look sexy while shooting people or discover that I am some sort of goddess, I CAN do interesting things. I just haven't been.
I listen to music and so many songs remind me of so many things... but I haven't found a new artist or band to follow in what feels like years. And everything that songs remind me of are things that happened ages ago. I'm still treasuring days (and nights) from years ago, still using them as my compass and wishing they could happen again.
I used to fence, but an injury took me out of that and my husband's divorce fallout kept me out. I used to be precocious but who ever heard of a precocious 30-year-old? I used to break rules, keep secrets, do things I shouldn't have done but relished, really relished. Now I... don't do anything. It almost feels like there's no point, since we're moving away in a year and why put down new roots in this place?
But I need to find some way of feeling like I'm still alive, because right now I'm just sleepwalking through life, and I hate it.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-06 06:41 pm (UTC)